I listened to a podcast with James Altucher and Ramit Sethi at the weekend and they were talking about Ramit starting up his own podcast. James told him that any online content should have a consistent theme running through it because that’s how you find an audience who falls in love with what you have to say. Naturally this got me thinking about my own blogging antics. I've been blogging for over 10 years now - should I get a theme? I don’t think The Deranged Ramblings Of A Semi-Broken Middle Aged Mind is a great one, do you? I’m hardly likely to be a candidate for marriage or parental guru status, given my mountain-adventure-almost-recent-divorce or funtime summer rants at my kids.
Let’s take a look at some of 2017’s most popular blog themes by women and see if any of them would be a good fit for me.
The Ironical Mom Blogger
The Ironical Mom Blogger likes to rip the bag out of motherhood. Tired all the time. Drinks white wine from around lunchtime onwards. She hides in bathrooms drinking her white wine. She feeds her kids chicken nuggets four times a week (this claim makes her seem more down to earth among her fans). She doesn't interact with fans much because her kids are feral and she has to take frequent breaks from Instagram to rescue them from trees or stop them climbing up the curtains. Ironical Mom Blogger sometimes writes from the perspective of the toddler or the family dog or even the kid's toys. She draws pictures and sets up scenes with lego characters - well, you gotta put your afternoon in somehow when you are blind drunk at 4pm and have already thrown the nuggets at the kids and sent them on their merry way.
Reasons I'd be a great Ironical Mom Blogger:
- I do enjoy wearing pyjamas in the afternoon.
- I'm not afraid to say that kids suck.
- I like daytime drinking as much as the next mum.
- I'm partial to a bit of swearing on the internet.
- I do like supporting mums who think that their kid is the only kid who can be a turd some days. Nope, they all take it in turns to be turds. Every single one of them.
Reasons I'd be a terrible Ironical Mom Blogger:
- My kids are no longer toddlers so I couldn't write hilarious posts about them shitting themselves whilst throwing a tantrum in Lidl.
- My kids demand large spud-based meals with a heavy side of meat. I'd be thrown out of here if I served a chicken nugget. Charlie won't even take school dinners because the portion sizes are too small.
- Instead of hiding from my kids I'm usually creeping about after them trying to lure them into a hug or read their text messages over their shoulder.
- I'll be honest, I'm pretty needy.
The Lifestyle Mom Blogger
Ah, the old Lifestyle Mom Blog. Instamom. Drinks coffee and gin exclusively. Has an impossibly white house. A penchant for fresh flowers - gotta add some pop to the stark white backdrop. Tired. Enjoys a wealth of free stuff from companies by making her kids pose beside bowls of porridge they didn’t eat. Spends a lot of time interacting with her fans because she really genuinely cares about each and every one of them.
Reasons I’d be good at Lifestyle Mom Blogging:
- I got me some kids.
- I got me some mulberry.
- My bedding is white so I could take all the photos in one place.
- Lindsay bought me a Scamp and Dude jumper for my birthday and I also own a Selfish Mother t-shirt. Wearing those would ensure that people know I'm a Lifestyle Mom Blogger and I might also get free stuff for wearing them.
Reasons I’d be a terrible Lifestyle Mom Blogger:
- I don’t own any personalised Emma Bridgewater.
- I hate peonies.
- My kids refuse to wear woollen clothing. Selfish brats.
- I have cankles.
- My husband won't take photos of me standing in the doorway pretending I'm looking for something I've dropped.
- My kids insist on having football themed bedding. How would I take gloriously pretty photos of them innocently napping? Slobbers on a Liverpool pillowcase? Selfish brats.
- I like my gin Janine-style. Gordons, sparkling water, no fruit or veg and definitely no ice. Honeycomb? Catch yourself on.
Sexy Healthy Fitness Blogger
Oh that little minx of a Fitness Blogger. Gorgeously toned body, perfectly peachy bum, makeup never out of place. Capable of convincing herself that protein balls are just as nice as Mars Bars. Loves peanut butter more than her granny. Equally fond of a wee pre-bedtime bloated belly 'we all have em' snap. Motivation, motivation, motivation.
Why I'd be a great Sexy Healthy Fitness Blogger:
- I like mountain climbing and that's fitness related.
- I do have quite the round arse.
- I have a nice fancy fitness watch that would make for good instagram pictures.
- I could nail that bedtime 'check out my keg in my jammies' shot every single night.
Why I'd be a terrible Sexy Healthy Fitness Blogger:
- My keg would not have a magical 6-pack when I awoke the next morning.
- Unless it is nestled alongside some cheese, mince and salsa as guacamole in a Boojum Burrito, I have no time for avocado. There, I said it. Someone had to. End this avocado madness.
- I have cankles.
- Protein energy balls are utter horseshit.
- The vision of me sweating, thrashing and swearing my way around a workout at my gym is quite possibly the least motivational thing anyone will ever see. It's bad enough that I pay my personal trainer to watch it every week, to subject thousands of people on the internet to endure such a horror would be inhumane.
- I can't afford all the botox and HD brows and gelish nails and hair extensions. So you'd just be watching my old face and frizzy grey hair with no eyebrows leaving sweaty imprints of my arse all over the gym mats. No-one needs that. No-one.
Lifestyle Wellness Blogger
She motivates women to be the most awesome version of themselves they can be. To accept themselves, to allow themselves, to adore themselves. She is vegan for she loves animals as well as empowering women. She reads classics and likes to quote from them frequently so that we know she is well-read. She likes good music and good art and a good healthy dose of planet-saving. She is pure of heart and never, ever thinks a bad thought about anything or anyone. She is the ultimate inspiration. I'm quite sure she just quietly floats above the ground, lifted up by angels, but I've never met her so I cannot be sure.
Reasons why I would be an awesome Lifestyle Wellness Blogger:
- I love both animals and encouraging women to be their brilliant selves.
- I do love an 'oul classic every now and again. Although I'm more of a Canterbury Tales girl myself - not sure that's the empowering quote fodder I'd need.
- I have Birkenstocks.
- I do care about the elephants because Leonardo DiCaprio.
- I went to a kinesiologist once and she said my heart was tired and played it some whale music.
Reasons why I would be a terrible Lifestyle Wellness Blogger:
- I swear a lot in my writings.
- I like making fun of myself and the world of blogging and social media. Out loud. On the internet. This doesn't make me very motivational or empowering.
- I like animals. I also like to eat animals.
- I'm not a dreamer, wanderer, maker, lover or be-er. I'm just a wanker really.
- My advice to be the most empowered and awesome and brilliant you can be nailed in one little sentence: 'Stop giving shits about what people think of you.' And now I've just given it to you, what would I blog about?
- I have cankles.
Well, there you have it gang, there's not a single on-trend theme that I could nail. Story of my life. I guess I'm just going to have to keep being myself, writing about stuff that means absolutely nothing. Uninspired crud really. One thing I will tell you - if you are going to write about your life on the internet, you sure as hell will have a wonderful sense of humour about it. And if I can give one person a laugh that needed a laugh then I'll stick around.
P.S. If you are any of these kinds of bloggers please don't blog about me blogging about blogging. Just have a giggle and take this high five from me ✋🏻
P.P.S. I have cankles.